Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Time for Orphan Girl

As Christmas approaches I asked my sons, do you guys want Christmas lights up? They reply, "Ya." I tell them great if you want Christmas lights up then you guys have to help put them up. the boys reply, "Nah we don't need Christmas Lights."
I was rather relieved as I think, all it is, is a bunch of work anyway. Without decorations the depression and thoughts of being alone without family for Christmas was not as bad without the reminders that is time to be with family.
I invited everyone on my facebook to join my family for a Christmas Eve dinner. One person actually drove out to join us. I have compassion for him because he may be dying. I say maybe as I do not want to condemn him with my words. He has not had sex in 30 years. It has been a couple of years for myself. He feels that it is because of his shape and weight. I here him mention this several time. I scold him saying, "Look at me, I am an attractive female and yet still I have not had sex or found someone interested in knowing me really." If I can be attractive and not have sex then your body shape and weight have nothing to do with the fact you have not found someone to have sex with!"

My foster sister came to visit, she was complaining about all of the things wrong with her sister and others. Stating her sister is so defensive and she told her so. So I tell her, You don't have to find something wrong with everyone and you don't have to fix everyone. I apologize later stating, I am sorry for saying what I did as I was doing the same thing. She boldly states I knew that and figured you would come to the realization sooner or later. I think yes I am humble and admit what bothers me in you is what is in myself, however your ego won't even let you ponder that what I said might be true and that the way you are being and as pushy as you can be no wonder your sister can't help but have to be defensive because of the way your being.

My biological mother sends my grandma a gift basket here stating this basket is from Her, her husband and my secret half sister. In my face reminding me I have no family an I am not on the list. So I post my link of my non-profit on my grandmothers facebook which describes my background of being abandoned. I do it because I want to show her what I create when I am hurt and get mad. I create awesome shit and rise above the occasion. At the same time, I laugh, because I know the large extended family had not idea I was in foster homes and that my mother abandoned me. Well now they might know and the secret is out. I try convincing myself I did this for honorable reason of rising above, but I am really hurt that my mother after all these years does things to hurt me and make me feel less.

I am thankful today that my boys will not carry on the faults of my parents and I remind them that they are to become better then their parents.

I am thankful that two people visited me, I was important enough for them to drive and actually come over to see me. Wow I was not alone and they have no idea how important it was for me.

PS. I hate proof reading, those that know me know what I mean, You will to if you take the time to see me and my authenticity.

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