Saturday, November 3, 2012

Are You My Mother

Since 12 years old and living in the streets I have been looking for Mother. I am not talking about my real biological mother. I have been looking for friendship, love and community all of my life. I am half way through my life and still have not found my Mother, my community.
 Since I was 12 and living on the streets it has been like the book about a bird looking for it's mother. It goes on a journey looking and asking everyone or thing "Are You My Mother?". I have traveled many years asking "Are you my friend?" looking everywhere for friendship for community. I have searched the streets, the churches, my biological family, NA, Burning Man, a Buddhist temple and I find people that want to party, dance or have sex but I have not found people willing to get to know me and be my friend.At the Buddhist temple we were eating and a young man sat next to me and talked with me. the temple is primarily Vietnamese. The young man asked me what my nationality was. I answered. He then proceeded to tell me that there were other temples in Seattle that I might want to go to. I thought, why not just invite me to your own temple.
I have met and known so many people and yet I still do not have a community. I have seen it, in others lives, so I know it exists.
It makes me wonder if, as in Atlas Cloud, I have an occurring theme or story that keeps love and friendship just out of my grasp. I wonder, what have I done in my previous lifetime for love to elude me? Looking for love, a family, a community should be so easy to find, yet I have never experienced it.Somehow deep in my being I know just like Froto I must carry this ring, and that as hard as it is, I am so strong and capable that many could not carry this burden. I wonder, am I doing this to myself? Yes and no. I have tried to change my story and create family yet somehow I am likeable and unwanted. I know even if I should decide to have sex, well, that connection would run through my fingers like an hour glass and just slip away.

In the end the bird is reunited with it's mother and has many stories to tell. In the end we are all reunited. "Everything will be alright in the end, and trust me, if it's not alright, then it is not yet the end."
(A quote from the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.)