Monday, December 26, 2011


I use to think I was different then everyone else. I didn't fit in and I felt abnormal. Until I realized what is considered normal in this world, is insane. Abnormal is the new normal for me now. It is normal to have or be authenticity, Love, hugs and compassion. To me it is insanity when it is not present. I don't understand the insane.

I do wish I had a positive mother role, there are many willing to play the role so long as I let them tell me what to do.

I am glad to be writing even this. I quit smoking recently. I realized that when I smoked, when people weren't all that nice or did not respect my boundaries I would suck it in and not say anything. Now that I quit smoking I can't suck it in any longer. I feel compelled to say something. People don't like it as much when I keep my boundaries and I find that irritating now. I still rather not smoke then suck it all in.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Time for Orphan Girl

As Christmas approaches I asked my sons, do you guys want Christmas lights up? They reply, "Ya." I tell them great if you want Christmas lights up then you guys have to help put them up. the boys reply, "Nah we don't need Christmas Lights."
I was rather relieved as I think, all it is, is a bunch of work anyway. Without decorations the depression and thoughts of being alone without family for Christmas was not as bad without the reminders that is time to be with family.
I invited everyone on my facebook to join my family for a Christmas Eve dinner. One person actually drove out to join us. I have compassion for him because he may be dying. I say maybe as I do not want to condemn him with my words. He has not had sex in 30 years. It has been a couple of years for myself. He feels that it is because of his shape and weight. I here him mention this several time. I scold him saying, "Look at me, I am an attractive female and yet still I have not had sex or found someone interested in knowing me really." If I can be attractive and not have sex then your body shape and weight have nothing to do with the fact you have not found someone to have sex with!"

My foster sister came to visit, she was complaining about all of the things wrong with her sister and others. Stating her sister is so defensive and she told her so. So I tell her, You don't have to find something wrong with everyone and you don't have to fix everyone. I apologize later stating, I am sorry for saying what I did as I was doing the same thing. She boldly states I knew that and figured you would come to the realization sooner or later. I think yes I am humble and admit what bothers me in you is what is in myself, however your ego won't even let you ponder that what I said might be true and that the way you are being and as pushy as you can be no wonder your sister can't help but have to be defensive because of the way your being.

My biological mother sends my grandma a gift basket here stating this basket is from Her, her husband and my secret half sister. In my face reminding me I have no family an I am not on the list. So I post my link of my non-profit on my grandmothers facebook which describes my background of being abandoned. I do it because I want to show her what I create when I am hurt and get mad. I create awesome shit and rise above the occasion. At the same time, I laugh, because I know the large extended family had not idea I was in foster homes and that my mother abandoned me. Well now they might know and the secret is out. I try convincing myself I did this for honorable reason of rising above, but I am really hurt that my mother after all these years does things to hurt me and make me feel less.

I am thankful today that my boys will not carry on the faults of my parents and I remind them that they are to become better then their parents.

I am thankful that two people visited me, I was important enough for them to drive and actually come over to see me. Wow I was not alone and they have no idea how important it was for me.

PS. I hate proof reading, those that know me know what I mean, You will to if you take the time to see me and my authenticity.

Friday, December 23, 2011

This is a scary Big Step

Today is the day that I create my first blog. It is a very scary thing to do for me and so I am going to just write for me and do it authentically. It is right before Christmas which is a very hard time anyway, as I have not had a traditional family my whole life. My birth was a family secret and who my father was or is was kept from me and everybody until about 1981. When I found out this secret my cousin became my half sister, which I will refer to as my cousis.

Ironically today, my mother sent my grandmother a nice gift basket addressing it from Her, her husband and guess who my cousis. Even after all of these years it still hurts that my mother does intentional passive aggressive mean things to me. It gets easier, however, it still hurts. I have turned all of the pain inward, developing, compassion, insight, strength understanding and power.

Well now to figure out where to begin, shall I begin about me, about being a foster child, abandoned, or reaching enlightenment, etc. There is soo much to say. I will tell you this, there will be great insight to offer. I will be sharing my experiences from the past, the present and the future relationship. This is about a human experience and it is not your typical conversation.