I read the book Atlas Shrugged and only wish I could just shrug the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I have been carrying around the world so long and have become a silent martyr in a way. Being forgiving and loving to my mother whom abandoned me and lived to be the forgiving one to my family, trying to bring them all back together for loves sake.
I gave up saving the world, I said, "Fuck the world, I need to save myself." right before losing my memory in light of an spiritual awakening.
I just saw Atlas Cloud. I come to realize, why I am not interested in men, sex or people much and why I am alone. I do not have friends because I could care less about sex, or pretending to be friendly to so many inauthentic human beings. So I am alone because everyone wants more of me then I am willing to give. If they can't have it they don't stick around much. So I choose to be alone rather then compromise or settle for anything less then my impossible dreams of true love. Which in fact may be too many expectations on one man. I may not ever find that man, that sees me, that can show me truth. I rather not have anyone then have it any other way.
Atlas Cloud was genius, pure truth and insight. It has given me the realization that maybe I do not have any lovers or friends so that I may write.
I have been afraid to write, because of all of you. Fear has kept me from writing because I am afraid to tell my story and the judgements, opinions, the babble of such shallowness of many. People judge my opinions of Atlas Shrugged the movie. They tell me what they think it is about. They tell me their own stories. They don't see what I see from reading the book because I read it without any prior knowledge and stories of what it is suppose to be about. I saw freedom, and the vicious cycles of creating then enslaving, creating against everything that is trying to destroy creation, and yet we keep creating and enslaving ourselves for ourselves.
I realize, I am alone, because it is time to tell my story and eventually the secrets of my very existence. It is time.
Atlas Cloud is my new favorite love story, if only my story could come true. I lived my whole life for love and have only wanted a family. Something so simple, yet here in America you can even find it on your own street. Human have a void they want to fill, continuously wanting. I only want one thing, I have no desire for anything else or anything less. Deep down I know without that small tiny hope of that love, I have no other desire and I grow tired of even entertaining others with my life.
