Sunday, June 10, 2012

My situation today, about my dream of love and why I have life insurance.

 As of today, my grandmother just died, I was just in the hospital for two days to have a tumor removed. Someone that I have not seen for almost ten years that use to talk about killing me just showed up at my front door. I still have no one to put down as an emergency contact. OK, world you win, I give up on living happily ever after and finding the soul mate. I went out on a date with a guy that owns a castle. I am not an inheritor, thank gawd, but I am an executor of my grandmothers will to her children which includes the mother that abandoned me as a child and that I had continued to forgive and love even when she continued to treat me very badly and is a hoarder, selfish biatch. How is that for the American dream? After all that, at least I got to see the movie "People versus the State of Illusion." and got to meet Joe Dispenza.

So this is my situation today, I was going to blog about tips, ideas, spread sheets, schedules and how to do in home care for your loved ones since I was taking care of my 89 year old grandmother in my home and have dealt with borderline personality disorders, bipolar, and live caregivers never showing up to work and how to write a guide for the complete idiot. However my grandmother just died in her sleep. I will share, how I learned to have the best care, safely and sanely.

I give up:
I was also going to write about my journey and exploration of learning how to manifest, reprogram my brain, the secret, and the process of me navigating through and learning how to become a big creator, why I have not been able to create the two things I have wanted in my life, and hoping to share the journey of how I am going to get there. At the moment I think, OK world, you win, I give up, there, are you happy? When I told my son that I was going out with someone that owns a castle, my son replied, "Now you can live happily ever after." (Irritated with not only his cynicism and being resigned but remembering so many others telling me I am dreaming, Disney was a bunch of crap, etc.) I responded, "I give up on living happily ever after." He replied back, "Good, now you can start living." Leaving me bewildered wondering, is my 12 year old kid right? Maybe I am missing out on living, but how the heck does he know? How humbling that is.

After 10 years of not seeing my ex-husband and having became friends with his new girl friend, even before she called me up to tell me my ex was planning on killing me and all  the ideas of how he was going to do it. All those ways sounded, oh, so familiar, which is part of the reason I stopped going on the river fishing with him before the end of my marriage. Well he showed up at my home a few weeks ago. Needless to say I officially had my attorney notify him that he can not come to my house. Unfortunately the police will not do anything about it until he does something and because he has to do something every year for me to get my 6th protection order and he had been in prison for domestic violence felony for doing something to his new girlfriend, well, he simply has not had the opportunity to give me a reason to get a protection order. By the way, I have never had a guy like this before or since him. So I really don't feel afraid.

I really should be blogging everyday. I want to write as if my life depended on it, however, I have felt that I really wanted to fall in love, meet my soul-mate, and my life time partner. I thought maybe then if I had the companionship we would inspire each other to create. I am on the verge of giving up on that dream if I have not already. I have been called old fashion several times,  (I wonder  what the heck is wrong with that.) been told I am too picky, and when I do meet someone I could fall in love with, my friends are more then willing to tell me why it wouldn't work and what to be careful of.

My conclusion, I will not be so hard on myself and just write for me, not for you or to satisfy someone that I don't even know. I really am giving up on my dream to find my soulmate and life time partner, hell even my grandmother said I was better off not getting married. Quite frankly coming from someone that old, I have to wonder. Oh and just in case my grandma is my angel now I went and bought a scratch off, knowing if she could, she would help me win, even a little money to help me get through her passing without worry. I scratch the ticket, then, nothing, No dreams, visions, magic or anything since my grandmother has been gone and I know I was the closest one to her.

WTF is up with that.

I might as well write as if my life did depend on it, because If I wrote the story about my life, I would shock and inspire so many people and then if my ex did kill me, well, what a awesome ending of an already amazingly unique life.


As I was standing in the castle of my escort I came to the realization that, even if I was living in this castle I stand in at this very moment, it does not change who I am or how I feel at this very moment.

 I could become cynical and resigned, and sometimes, I do feel like giving up. It is just not in my nature to be like everyone else, I choose the unbelievable, why? Because it is in my nature and I am still writing my book. ~ aka AliceXandria

I found Mr. Right he is called Mr. Never Give up