Tonight I was bringing my grandmother to the bathroom as usual. She has the habit of continually leaning forward, with head down. It makes it easier on my back when she stands up straight. If she is not leaning over then I don't have to lean over farther. So I am always asking her to stand up straight, keep her head up, etc.
So tonight she is leaning over and I am about to perform some Perry care, I ask my grandmother, "Grandma can you stand up straight, keep your head up, smile, and cheese." At that moment I have no idea why the word cheese slipped out. As I am just in view to do the Perry thing, grandma says, "Cheese."
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Buddist Temple
Yesterday I was driving down a road I have driven on for 14 years. Every time I saw this temple and often wondered what exactly it was.
Well there was a man setting up the sign out front and the gate was opened. I finally decided, it has been many years and the time to stop is now. I had three stops to make and an appointment for an ultra sound at 3pm. It was 2pm. I decided I would get to my appointment on time and that I would stop anyway.
So I told the man I finally decided to stop and explained that I have attained oneness (with how) and I understand being content is important, however, I was bored and wondered what was next.
He said, " I do not need to tell everyone of my experience of oneness. He stated it does not help them and it does not benefit me."
I understood that and I agree with what he says. However, I may choose not to follow his advice because of this.
I have followed someone's advice because they were older I thought wiser and had more money (better life position) I asked that person what I should do when I grew up, I explained that I wanted to be a writer. Her reply was that I would starve to death and I need to make more money. Now that I am older, I realized at 18 I could have starved and made an attempt to follow my dream and at least I would have dreamed rather then have given up on believing. My thoughts now are I should have asked myself the question rather then someone I thought was better then myself.
So now back to Minh's statement, many young people tell me they learn more in one night of conversation with me then they have for years, also my friend a professor in Canada wrote a book called "The poetics of Fear" he acknowledged me for life changing conversations in that book. My conversations with the professor, I have no doubt, have been an influence on his class and provoking thought among his students. I think No I will trust my own heart for there are many stories written of great teachers experiences so that we may experience our selves. I believe right now that is the point of all of the experiences and possibilities through out time just so we can experience ourselves and understand the contrast of separateness and oneness. Much depends on intention behind sharing. So I share my private thoughts with you, It does not benefit anyone or it might. Minh also stated that my experience is described in Buddhism and that I should continue to learn more about it.
Today I went back to a ceremony, as I listened to the monks singing, I was amazingly present to how the singing the mantra's for so long pulls them to immediate focus and present quickly, through repetition. I feel the understanding of it.
Minh and talked again, he brought up attachment and went further to explain it was the cause of our suffering, I explained, I am not attached to anything because I have nothing to be attached to.
He went further in saying, letting go of attachments are not letting go of things, it is the letting go of ideals or thoughts and expectations. I replied, "Yes, all my life I have only wanted family and love, something so easy, yet not to ever attain it. Now I see," I continued, " that it is my concept or ideal of what I make family and love mean." Minh replies, "It is trying to control the environment around us, that, is letting go."
So I told the man I finally decided to stop and explained that I have attained oneness (with how) and I understand being content is important, however, I was bored and wondered what was next.
He said, " I do not need to tell everyone of my experience of oneness. He stated it does not help them and it does not benefit me."
I understood that and I agree with what he says. However, I may choose not to follow his advice because of this.
I have followed someone's advice because they were older I thought wiser and had more money (better life position) I asked that person what I should do when I grew up, I explained that I wanted to be a writer. Her reply was that I would starve to death and I need to make more money. Now that I am older, I realized at 18 I could have starved and made an attempt to follow my dream and at least I would have dreamed rather then have given up on believing. My thoughts now are I should have asked myself the question rather then someone I thought was better then myself.
So now back to Minh's statement, many young people tell me they learn more in one night of conversation with me then they have for years, also my friend a professor in Canada wrote a book called "The poetics of Fear" he acknowledged me for life changing conversations in that book. My conversations with the professor, I have no doubt, have been an influence on his class and provoking thought among his students. I think No I will trust my own heart for there are many stories written of great teachers experiences so that we may experience our selves. I believe right now that is the point of all of the experiences and possibilities through out time just so we can experience ourselves and understand the contrast of separateness and oneness. Much depends on intention behind sharing. So I share my private thoughts with you, It does not benefit anyone or it might. Minh also stated that my experience is described in Buddhism and that I should continue to learn more about it.
Today I went back to a ceremony, as I listened to the monks singing, I was amazingly present to how the singing the mantra's for so long pulls them to immediate focus and present quickly, through repetition. I feel the understanding of it.
Minh and talked again, he brought up attachment and went further to explain it was the cause of our suffering, I explained, I am not attached to anything because I have nothing to be attached to.
He went further in saying, letting go of attachments are not letting go of things, it is the letting go of ideals or thoughts and expectations. I replied, "Yes, all my life I have only wanted family and love, something so easy, yet not to ever attain it. Now I see," I continued, " that it is my concept or ideal of what I make family and love mean." Minh replies, "It is trying to control the environment around us, that, is letting go."
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Animal Crackers and Bounty Hunters Part 1
I was told that people actually want to know what I do everyday. Well, I must warn you, there is no one like me, however, my enlightened self says you are a clever disguise of me. However, really I am a clever disguise of you. I have done things that will make your jaws drop open and your eyes get big and some things that might eventually be shared that will make you weep and think I am a miracle. We are all that.
I get notes from the Universe every day of the work week from Tut.com I mention this because the messages that come from the universe are always exactly what I need to hear. The self awareness of what I speak of will be shared with you. You might hear the whispers of the Youniverse talking to you, do you hear it? It is whispering.....remember..............You have been whispering to yourself all of your life.
So in an ordinary life I went to Costco with a list. Creamer, milk and cat food. I tried to stick to the list and then I saw it. A giant bag of Animal Crackers. There I go again, I didn't stick with the list. How could I pass them up when I have not tasted them for years.
A few days later, In my ordinary non-ordinary life I received this not from the Universe.
Tut....A note from the Universe
There is perhaps no more empowering belief, AliceXandria, than understanding you're always in control of how you feel.
Similarly, understanding that just because you're not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.
You rock,
The Universe
I get notes from the Universe every day of the work week from Tut.com I mention this because the messages that come from the universe are always exactly what I need to hear. The self awareness of what I speak of will be shared with you. You might hear the whispers of the Youniverse talking to you, do you hear it? It is whispering.....remember..............You have been whispering to yourself all of your life.
So in an ordinary life I went to Costco with a list. Creamer, milk and cat food. I tried to stick to the list and then I saw it. A giant bag of Animal Crackers. There I go again, I didn't stick with the list. How could I pass them up when I have not tasted them for years.
A few days later, In my ordinary non-ordinary life I received this not from the Universe.
Tut....A note from the Universe
There is perhaps no more empowering belief, AliceXandria, than understanding you're always in control of how you feel.
Similarly, understanding that just because you're not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.
You rock,
The Universe
| Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ® © www.tut.com ® |
| Because, AliceXandria, nothing has ever, ever, ever been wrong with you. Lots of grown-ups still like animal crackers. |
Monday, January 2, 2012
At the mall on New Years Eve
On December 31 I had no clue what I was going to wear for New years Eve. I went to the mall to fix my hair. I looked around for an outfit and thought, everything in the stores looked like it was for a rave party. I was wondering, what happened? Who is creating this? Well we are creating the fashion if thats what were buying. Or is it the corporations creating what we like to buy. All of the intricate details and t-shirts with Labrynths, skate wear like at Zumies, Imaginary Foundation Unfolding Graphic Tee Shirt. It is all strange as this t-shirt and others appeal to my enlightened mind, which confuses me more. Do these rich corporate people go to these rave parties or thought provoking social gatherings and figure out what is popular? Are the corporate owners Ravers? Or are the ravers, hippies that have really created these styles of animal hats and scarves originally created at home and off the market, well are these same self creative home sewing people making it big selling and mass producing all their stuff. Or are the corporations stealing and copying these ideas from Burning Man as I can see many styles at Burning Man that never existed and then after Burning Man it is produced and listed. All of these self expressing, thought provoking clothing and styles and yet there is Occupy Wall Street while the malls are filled with self expressing tees wanting to be free giving the money to an entity from a serendipity kid. It is all just strange and I can not see spending $40 on a t-shirt. Oh wait or should I just buy it spend my money and pretend that I have enough to buy it all and just trust and live as if I have enough money to buy all of these self expressive thought provoking clothes. Then I wonder why I don't have enough money. I was told if I believed and just did it everything in the secret everything will be alright. Oh wait, everything is alright, except that I don't have enough to pay other things now. I left the mall without buying anything. I found I had everything I needed at home in a couple of hours. I mixed matched and it looked as if I had thought about it.
Talk about a rambling mind while shopping, which leads me to these closing statements. I have learned to create with my thoughts, in fact sometimes I speak and it appears within minutes. Other things, well, I just have not been able to figure out how to create it. I am betting that I am not alone and many of us can create and get what we want except for those few little things. Love and money. The movie "The Secret" is nothing new, this information has been around for decades and has been explained and written about. The movie "The Secret" simply repackaged what already existed and made it sexier. There is so much more to it and as I am learning and moving through it I would like to share that process of figuring out how to do it. As I go through the process so will you, like the Never Ending Story we both create the story. They left out some things, you must get to know yourself and take inventory.
Talk about a rambling mind while shopping, which leads me to these closing statements. I have learned to create with my thoughts, in fact sometimes I speak and it appears within minutes. Other things, well, I just have not been able to figure out how to create it. I am betting that I am not alone and many of us can create and get what we want except for those few little things. Love and money. The movie "The Secret" is nothing new, this information has been around for decades and has been explained and written about. The movie "The Secret" simply repackaged what already existed and made it sexier. There is so much more to it and as I am learning and moving through it I would like to share that process of figuring out how to do it. As I go through the process so will you, like the Never Ending Story we both create the story. They left out some things, you must get to know yourself and take inventory.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Abnormal
I use to think I was different then everyone else. I didn't fit in and I felt abnormal. Until I realized what is considered normal in this world, is insane. Abnormal is the new normal for me now. It is normal to have or be authenticity, Love, hugs and compassion. To me it is insanity when it is not present. I don't understand the insane.
I do wish I had a positive mother role, there are many willing to play the role so long as I let them tell me what to do.
I am glad to be writing even this. I quit smoking recently. I realized that when I smoked, when people weren't all that nice or did not respect my boundaries I would suck it in and not say anything. Now that I quit smoking I can't suck it in any longer. I feel compelled to say something. People don't like it as much when I keep my boundaries and I find that irritating now. I still rather not smoke then suck it all in.
I do wish I had a positive mother role, there are many willing to play the role so long as I let them tell me what to do.
I am glad to be writing even this. I quit smoking recently. I realized that when I smoked, when people weren't all that nice or did not respect my boundaries I would suck it in and not say anything. Now that I quit smoking I can't suck it in any longer. I feel compelled to say something. People don't like it as much when I keep my boundaries and I find that irritating now. I still rather not smoke then suck it all in.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas Time for Orphan Girl
As Christmas approaches I asked my sons, do you guys want Christmas lights up? They reply, "Ya." I tell them great if you want Christmas lights up then you guys have to help put them up. the boys reply, "Nah we don't need Christmas Lights."
I was rather relieved as I think, all it is, is a bunch of work anyway. Without decorations the depression and thoughts of being alone without family for Christmas was not as bad without the reminders that is time to be with family.
I invited everyone on my facebook to join my family for a Christmas Eve dinner. One person actually drove out to join us. I have compassion for him because he may be dying. I say maybe as I do not want to condemn him with my words. He has not had sex in 30 years. It has been a couple of years for myself. He feels that it is because of his shape and weight. I here him mention this several time. I scold him saying, "Look at me, I am an attractive female and yet still I have not had sex or found someone interested in knowing me really." If I can be attractive and not have sex then your body shape and weight have nothing to do with the fact you have not found someone to have sex with!"
My foster sister came to visit, she was complaining about all of the things wrong with her sister and others. Stating her sister is so defensive and she told her so. So I tell her, You don't have to find something wrong with everyone and you don't have to fix everyone. I apologize later stating, I am sorry for saying what I did as I was doing the same thing. She boldly states I knew that and figured you would come to the realization sooner or later. I think yes I am humble and admit what bothers me in you is what is in myself, however your ego won't even let you ponder that what I said might be true and that the way you are being and as pushy as you can be no wonder your sister can't help but have to be defensive because of the way your being.
My biological mother sends my grandma a gift basket here stating this basket is from Her, her husband and my secret half sister. In my face reminding me I have no family an I am not on the list. So I post my link of my non-profit on my grandmothers facebook which describes my background of being abandoned. I do it because I want to show her what I create when I am hurt and get mad. I create awesome shit and rise above the occasion. At the same time, I laugh, because I know the large extended family had not idea I was in foster homes and that my mother abandoned me. Well now they might know and the secret is out. I try convincing myself I did this for honorable reason of rising above, but I am really hurt that my mother after all these years does things to hurt me and make me feel less.
I am thankful today that my boys will not carry on the faults of my parents and I remind them that they are to become better then their parents.
I am thankful that two people visited me, I was important enough for them to drive and actually come over to see me. Wow I was not alone and they have no idea how important it was for me.
PS. I hate proof reading, those that know me know what I mean, You will to if you take the time to see me and my authenticity.
I was rather relieved as I think, all it is, is a bunch of work anyway. Without decorations the depression and thoughts of being alone without family for Christmas was not as bad without the reminders that is time to be with family.
I invited everyone on my facebook to join my family for a Christmas Eve dinner. One person actually drove out to join us. I have compassion for him because he may be dying. I say maybe as I do not want to condemn him with my words. He has not had sex in 30 years. It has been a couple of years for myself. He feels that it is because of his shape and weight. I here him mention this several time. I scold him saying, "Look at me, I am an attractive female and yet still I have not had sex or found someone interested in knowing me really." If I can be attractive and not have sex then your body shape and weight have nothing to do with the fact you have not found someone to have sex with!"
My foster sister came to visit, she was complaining about all of the things wrong with her sister and others. Stating her sister is so defensive and she told her so. So I tell her, You don't have to find something wrong with everyone and you don't have to fix everyone. I apologize later stating, I am sorry for saying what I did as I was doing the same thing. She boldly states I knew that and figured you would come to the realization sooner or later. I think yes I am humble and admit what bothers me in you is what is in myself, however your ego won't even let you ponder that what I said might be true and that the way you are being and as pushy as you can be no wonder your sister can't help but have to be defensive because of the way your being.
My biological mother sends my grandma a gift basket here stating this basket is from Her, her husband and my secret half sister. In my face reminding me I have no family an I am not on the list. So I post my link of my non-profit on my grandmothers facebook which describes my background of being abandoned. I do it because I want to show her what I create when I am hurt and get mad. I create awesome shit and rise above the occasion. At the same time, I laugh, because I know the large extended family had not idea I was in foster homes and that my mother abandoned me. Well now they might know and the secret is out. I try convincing myself I did this for honorable reason of rising above, but I am really hurt that my mother after all these years does things to hurt me and make me feel less.
I am thankful today that my boys will not carry on the faults of my parents and I remind them that they are to become better then their parents.
I am thankful that two people visited me, I was important enough for them to drive and actually come over to see me. Wow I was not alone and they have no idea how important it was for me.
PS. I hate proof reading, those that know me know what I mean, You will to if you take the time to see me and my authenticity.
Friday, December 23, 2011
This is a scary Big Step
Today is the day that I create my first blog. It is a very scary thing to do for me and so I am going to just write for me and do it authentically. It is right before Christmas which is a very hard time anyway, as I have not had a traditional family my whole life. My birth was a family secret and who my father was or is was kept from me and everybody until about 1981. When I found out this secret my cousin became my half sister, which I will refer to as my cousis.
Ironically today, my mother sent my grandmother a nice gift basket addressing it from Her, her husband and guess who my cousis. Even after all of these years it still hurts that my mother does intentional passive aggressive mean things to me. It gets easier, however, it still hurts. I have turned all of the pain inward, developing, compassion, insight, strength understanding and power.
Well now to figure out where to begin, shall I begin about me, about being a foster child, abandoned, or reaching enlightenment, etc. There is soo much to say. I will tell you this, there will be great insight to offer. I will be sharing my experiences from the past, the present and the future relationship. This is about a human experience and it is not your typical conversation.
Ironically today, my mother sent my grandmother a nice gift basket addressing it from Her, her husband and guess who my cousis. Even after all of these years it still hurts that my mother does intentional passive aggressive mean things to me. It gets easier, however, it still hurts. I have turned all of the pain inward, developing, compassion, insight, strength understanding and power.
Well now to figure out where to begin, shall I begin about me, about being a foster child, abandoned, or reaching enlightenment, etc. There is soo much to say. I will tell you this, there will be great insight to offer. I will be sharing my experiences from the past, the present and the future relationship. This is about a human experience and it is not your typical conversation.
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