Are You My Mother

Since 12 years old and living in the streets I have been looking for Mother. I am not talking about my real biological mother. I have been looking for friendship, love and community all of my life. I am half way through my life and still have not found my Mother, my community.
 Since I was 12 and living on the streets it has been like the book about a bird looking for it's mother. It goes on a journey looking and asking everyone or thing "Are You My Mother?". I have traveled many years asking "Are you my friend?" looking everywhere for friendship for community. I have searched the streets, the churches, my biological family, NA, Burning Man, a Buddhist temple and I find people that want to party, dance or have sex but I have not found people willing to get to know me and be my friend.At the Buddhist temple we were eating and a young man sat next to me and talked with me. the temple is primarily Vietnamese. The young man asked me what my nationality was. I answered. He then proceeded to tell me that there were other temples in Seattle that I might want to go to. I thought, why not just invite me to your own temple.
I have met and known so many people and yet I still do not have a community. I have seen it, in others lives, so I know it exists.
It makes me wonder if, as in Atlas Cloud, I have an occurring theme or story that keeps love and friendship just out of my grasp. I wonder, what have I done in my previous lifetime for love to elude me? Looking for love, a family, a community should be so easy to find, yet I have never experienced it.Somehow deep in my being I know just like Froto I must carry this ring, and that as hard as it is, I am so strong and capable that many could not carry this burden. I wonder, am I doing this to myself? Yes and no. I have tried to change my story and create family yet somehow I am likeable and unwanted. I know even if I should decide to have sex, well, that connection would run through my fingers like an hour glass and just slip away.

In the end the bird is reunited with it's mother and has many stories to tell. In the end we are all reunited. "Everything will be alright in the end, and trust me, if it's not alright, then it is not yet the end."
(A quote from the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.)

My situation today, about my dream of love and why I have life insurance.

 As of today, my grandmother just died, I was just in the hospital for two days to have a tumor removed. Someone that I have not seen for almost ten years that use to talk about killing me just showed up at my front door. I still have no one to put down as an emergency contact. OK, world you win, I give up on living happily ever after and finding the soul mate. I went out on a date with a guy that owns a castle. I am not an inheritor, thank gawd, but I am an executor of my grandmothers will to her children which includes the mother that abandoned me as a child and that I had continued to forgive and love even when she continued to treat me very badly and is a hoarder, selfish biatch. How is that for the American dream? After all that, at least I got to see the movie "People versus the State of Illusion." and got to meet Joe Dispenza.


Death:
So this is my situation today, I was going to blog about tips, ideas, spread sheets, schedules and how to do in home care for your loved ones since I was taking care of my 89 year old grandmother in my home and have dealt with borderline personality disorders, bipolar, and live caregivers never showing up to work and how to write a guide for the complete idiot. However my grandmother just died in her sleep. I will share, how I learned to have the best care, safely and sanely.

I give up:
I was also going to write about my journey and exploration of learning how to manifest, reprogram my brain, the secret, and the process of me navigating through and learning how to become a big creator, why I have not been able to create the two things I have wanted in my life, and hoping to share the journey of how I am going to get there. At the moment I think, OK world, you win, I give up, there, are you happy? When I told my son that I was going out with someone that owns a castle, my son replied, "Now you can live happily ever after." (Irritated with not only his cynicism and being resigned but remembering so many others telling me I am dreaming, Disney was a bunch of crap, etc.) I responded, "I give up on living happily ever after." He replied back, "Good, now you can start living." Leaving me bewildered wondering, is my 12 year old kid right? Maybe I am missing out on living, but how the heck does he know? How humbling that is.

After 10 years of not seeing my ex-husband and having became friends with his new girl friend, even before she called me up to tell me my ex was planning on killing me and all  the ideas of how he was going to do it. All those ways sounded, oh, so familiar, which is part of the reason I stopped going on the river fishing with him before the end of my marriage. Well he showed up at my home a few weeks ago. Needless to say I officially had my attorney notify him that he can not come to my house. Unfortunately the police will not do anything about it until he does something and because he has to do something every year for me to get my 6th protection order and he had been in prison for domestic violence felony for doing something to his new girlfriend, well, he simply has not had the opportunity to give me a reason to get a protection order. By the way, I have never had a guy like this before or since him. So I really don't feel afraid.


I really should be blogging everyday. I want to write as if my life depended on it, however, I have felt that I really wanted to fall in love, meet my soul-mate, and my life time partner. I thought maybe then if I had the companionship we would inspire each other to create. I am on the verge of giving up on that dream if I have not already. I have been called old fashion several times,  (I wonder  what the heck is wrong with that.) been told I am too picky, and when I do meet someone I could fall in love with, my friends are more then willing to tell me why it wouldn't work and what to be careful of.


My conclusion, I will not be so hard on myself and just write for me, not for you or to satisfy someone that I don't even know. I really am giving up on my dream to find my soulmate and life time partner, hell even my grandmother said I was better off not getting married. Quite frankly coming from someone that old, I have to wonder. Oh and just in case my grandma is my angel now I went and bought a scratch off, knowing if she could, she would help me win, even a little money to help me get through her passing without worry. I scratch the ticket, then, nothing, No dreams, visions, magic or anything since my grandmother has been gone and I know I was the closest one to her.

WTF is up with that.

I might as well write as if my life did depend on it, because If I wrote the story about my life, I would shock and inspire so many people and then if my ex did kill me, well, what a awesome ending of an already amazingly unique life.

Reflection:

As I was standing in the castle of my escort I came to the realization that, even if I was living in this castle I stand in at this very moment, it does not change who I am or how I feel at this very moment.

 I could become cynical and resigned, and sometimes, I do feel like giving up. It is just not in my nature to be like everyone else, I choose the unbelievable, why? Because it is in my nature and I am still writing my book. ~ aka AliceXandria

I found Mr. Right he is called Mr. Never Give up

Animal Crackers and Bounty Hunters Part 1

I was told that people actually want to know what I do everyday. Well, I must warn you, there is no one like me, however, my enlightened self says you are a clever disguise of me. However, really I am a clever disguise of you. I have done things that will make your jaws drop open and your eyes get big and some things that might eventually be shared that will make you weep and think I am a miracle. We are all that.

I get notes from the Universe every day of the work week from Tut.com I mention this because the messages that come from the universe are always exactly what I need to hear. The self awareness of what I speak of will be shared with you. You might hear the whispers of the Youniverse talking to you, do you hear it? It is whispering.....remember..............You have been whispering to yourself all of your life.


So in an ordinary life I went to Costco with a list. Creamer, milk and cat food. I tried to stick to the list and then I saw it. A giant bag of Animal Crackers. There I go again, I didn't stick with the list. How could I pass them up when I have not tasted them for years.

A few days later, In my ordinary non-ordinary life I received this not from the Universe.

Tut....A note from the Universe

There is perhaps no more empowering belief, AliceXandria, than understanding you're always in control of how you feel.

Similarly, understanding that just because you're not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.

You rock,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ® © www.tut.com ®

Because, AliceXandria, nothing has ever, ever, ever been wrong with you. Lots of grown-ups still like animal crackers.

At the mall on New Years Eve

On December 31 I had no clue what I was going to wear for New years Eve. I went to the mall to fix my hair.  I looked around for an outfit and thought, everything in the stores looked like it was for a rave party. I was wondering, what happened? Who is creating this? Well we are creating the fashion if thats what were buying. Or is it the corporations creating what we like to buy. All of the intricate details and t-shirts with Labrynths, skate wear like at Zumies, Imaginary Foundation Unfolding Graphic Tee Shirt. It is all strange as this t-shirt and others appeal to my enlightened mind, which confuses me more. Do these rich corporate people go to these rave parties or thought provoking social gatherings and figure out what is popular? Are the corporate owners Ravers? Or are the ravers, hippies that have really created these styles of animal hats and scarves originally created at home and off the market, well are these same self creative home sewing people making it big selling and mass producing all their stuff. Or are the corporations stealing and copying these ideas from Burning Man as I can see many styles at Burning Man that never existed and then after Burning Man it is produced and listed. All of these self expressing, thought provoking clothing and styles and yet there is Occupy Wall Street while the malls are filled with self expressing tees wanting to be free giving the money to an entity from a  serendipity kid. It is all just strange and I can not see spending $40 on a t-shirt. Oh wait or should I just buy it spend my money and pretend that I have enough to buy it all and just trust and live as if I have enough money to buy all of these self expressive thought provoking clothes. Then I wonder why I don't have enough money. I was told if I believed and just did it everything in the secret everything will be alright. Oh wait, everything is alright, except that I don't have enough to pay other things now. I left the mall without buying anything. I found I had everything I needed at home in a couple of hours. I mixed matched and it looked as if I had thought about it.

Talk about a rambling mind while shopping, which leads me to these closing statements. I have learned to create  with my thoughts, in fact sometimes I speak and it appears within minutes. Other things, well, I just have not been able to figure out how to create it. I am betting that I am not alone and many of us can create and get what we want except for those few little things. Love and money. The movie "The Secret" is nothing new, this information has been around for decades and has been explained and written about. The movie "The Secret" simply repackaged what already existed and made it sexier. There is so much more to it and as I am learning and moving through it I would like to share that process of figuring out how to do it. As I go through the process so will you, like the Never Ending Story we both create the story. They left out some things, you must get to know yourself and take inventory.

Abnormal

I use to think I was different then everyone else. I didn't fit in and I felt abnormal. Until I realized what is considered normal in this world, is insane. Abnormal is the new normal for me now. It is normal to have or be authenticity, Love, hugs and compassion. To me it is insanity when it is not present. I don't understand the insane.

I do wish I had a positive mother role, there are many willing to play the role so long as I let them tell me what to do.

I am glad to be writing even this. I quit smoking recently. I realized that when I smoked, when people weren't all that nice or did not respect my boundaries I would suck it in and not say anything. Now that I quit smoking I can't suck it in any longer. I feel compelled to say something. People don't like it as much when I keep my boundaries and I find that irritating now. I still rather not smoke then suck it all in.

This is a scary Big Step

Today is the day that I create my first blog. It is a very scary thing to do for me and so I am going to just write for me and do it authentically. It is right before Christmas which is a very hard time anyway, as I have not had a traditional family my whole life. My birth was a family secret and who my father was or is was kept from me and everybody until about 1981. When I found out this secret my cousin became my half sister, which I will refer to as my cousis.

Ironically today, my mother sent my grandmother a nice gift basket addressing it from Her, her husband and guess who my cousis. Even after all of these years it still hurts that my mother does intentional passive aggressive mean things to me. It gets easier, however, it still hurts. I have turned all of the pain inward, developing, compassion, insight, strength understanding and power.

Well now to figure out where to begin, shall I begin about me, about being a foster child, abandoned, or reaching enlightenment, etc. There is soo much to say. I will tell you this, there will be great insight to offer. I will be sharing my experiences from the past, the present and the future relationship. This is about a human experience and it is not your typical conversation.