Are You My Mother

Since 12 years old and living in the streets I have been looking for Mother. I am not talking about my real biological mother. I have been looking for friendship, love and community all of my life. I am half way through my life and still have not found my Mother, my community.
 Since I was 12 and living on the streets it has been like the book about a bird looking for it's mother. It goes on a journey looking and asking everyone or thing "Are You My Mother?". I have traveled many years asking "Are you my friend?" looking everywhere for friendship for community. I have searched the streets, the churches, my biological family, NA, Burning Man, a Buddhist temple and I find people that want to party, dance or have sex but I have not found people willing to get to know me and be my friend.At the Buddhist temple we were eating and a young man sat next to me and talked with me. the temple is primarily Vietnamese. The young man asked me what my nationality was. I answered. He then proceeded to tell me that there were other temples in Seattle that I might want to go to. I thought, why not just invite me to your own temple.
I have met and known so many people and yet I still do not have a community. I have seen it, in others lives, so I know it exists.
It makes me wonder if, as in Atlas Cloud, I have an occurring theme or story that keeps love and friendship just out of my grasp. I wonder, what have I done in my previous lifetime for love to elude me? Looking for love, a family, a community should be so easy to find, yet I have never experienced it.Somehow deep in my being I know just like Froto I must carry this ring, and that as hard as it is, I am so strong and capable that many could not carry this burden. I wonder, am I doing this to myself? Yes and no. I have tried to change my story and create family yet somehow I am likeable and unwanted. I know even if I should decide to have sex, well, that connection would run through my fingers like an hour glass and just slip away.

In the end the bird is reunited with it's mother and has many stories to tell. In the end we are all reunited. "Everything will be alright in the end, and trust me, if it's not alright, then it is not yet the end."
(A quote from the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.)

Atlas Shrugged and Atlas Cloud brings creation of thinking.

I read the book Atlas Shrugged and only wish I could just shrug the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I have been carrying around the world so long and have become a silent martyr in a way. Being forgiving and loving to my mother whom abandoned me  and lived to be the forgiving one to my family, trying to bring them all back together for loves sake.

I gave up saving the world, I said, "Fuck the world, I need to save myself." right before losing my memory in light of an spiritual awakening.

I just saw Atlas Cloud. I come to realize, why I am not interested in men, sex or people much and why I am alone. I do not have friends because I could care less about sex, or pretending to be friendly to so many inauthentic human beings. So I am alone because everyone wants more of me then I am willing to give. If they can't have it they don't stick around much. So I choose to be alone rather then compromise or settle for anything less then my impossible dreams of true love. Which in fact may be too many expectations on one man. I may not ever find that man, that sees me, that can show me truth. I rather not have anyone then have it any other way.

Atlas Cloud was genius, pure truth and insight. It has given me the realization that maybe I do not have any lovers or friends so that I may write.

I have been afraid to write, because of all of you. Fear has kept me from writing because I am afraid to tell my story and the judgements, opinions, the babble of such shallowness of many. People judge my opinions of Atlas Shrugged the movie. They tell me what they think it is about. They tell me their own stories. They don't see what I see from reading the book because I read it without any prior knowledge and stories of what it is suppose to be about. I saw freedom, and the vicious cycles of creating then enslaving, creating against everything that is trying to destroy creation, and yet we keep creating and enslaving ourselves for ourselves.

I realize, I am alone, because it is time to tell my story and eventually the secrets of my very existence. It is time.

Atlas Cloud is my new favorite love story, if only my story could come true. I lived my whole life for love and have only wanted a family. Something so simple, yet here in America you can even find it on your own street. Human have a void they want to fill, continuously wanting. I only want one thing, I have no desire for anything else or anything less. Deep down I know without that small tiny hope of that love, I have no other desire and I grow tired of even entertaining others with my life.

My situation today, about my dream of love and why I have life insurance.

 As of today, my grandmother just died, I was just in the hospital for two days to have a tumor removed. Someone that I have not seen for almost ten years that use to talk about killing me just showed up at my front door. I still have no one to put down as an emergency contact. OK, world you win, I give up on living happily ever after and finding the soul mate. I went out on a date with a guy that owns a castle. I am not an inheritor, thank gawd, but I am an executor of my grandmothers will to her children which includes the mother that abandoned me as a child and that I had continued to forgive and love even when she continued to treat me very badly and is a hoarder, selfish biatch. How is that for the American dream? After all that, at least I got to see the movie "People versus the State of Illusion." and got to meet Joe Dispenza.


Death:
So this is my situation today, I was going to blog about tips, ideas, spread sheets, schedules and how to do in home care for your loved ones since I was taking care of my 89 year old grandmother in my home and have dealt with borderline personality disorders, bipolar, and live caregivers never showing up to work and how to write a guide for the complete idiot. However my grandmother just died in her sleep. I will share, how I learned to have the best care, safely and sanely.

I give up:
I was also going to write about my journey and exploration of learning how to manifest, reprogram my brain, the secret, and the process of me navigating through and learning how to become a big creator, why I have not been able to create the two things I have wanted in my life, and hoping to share the journey of how I am going to get there. At the moment I think, OK world, you win, I give up, there, are you happy? When I told my son that I was going out with someone that owns a castle, my son replied, "Now you can live happily ever after." (Irritated with not only his cynicism and being resigned but remembering so many others telling me I am dreaming, Disney was a bunch of crap, etc.) I responded, "I give up on living happily ever after." He replied back, "Good, now you can start living." Leaving me bewildered wondering, is my 12 year old kid right? Maybe I am missing out on living, but how the heck does he know? How humbling that is.

After 10 years of not seeing my ex-husband and having became friends with his new girl friend, even before she called me up to tell me my ex was planning on killing me and all  the ideas of how he was going to do it. All those ways sounded, oh, so familiar, which is part of the reason I stopped going on the river fishing with him before the end of my marriage. Well he showed up at my home a few weeks ago. Needless to say I officially had my attorney notify him that he can not come to my house. Unfortunately the police will not do anything about it until he does something and because he has to do something every year for me to get my 6th protection order and he had been in prison for domestic violence felony for doing something to his new girlfriend, well, he simply has not had the opportunity to give me a reason to get a protection order. By the way, I have never had a guy like this before or since him. So I really don't feel afraid.


I really should be blogging everyday. I want to write as if my life depended on it, however, I have felt that I really wanted to fall in love, meet my soul-mate, and my life time partner. I thought maybe then if I had the companionship we would inspire each other to create. I am on the verge of giving up on that dream if I have not already. I have been called old fashion several times,  (I wonder  what the heck is wrong with that.) been told I am too picky, and when I do meet someone I could fall in love with, my friends are more then willing to tell me why it wouldn't work and what to be careful of.


My conclusion, I will not be so hard on myself and just write for me, not for you or to satisfy someone that I don't even know. I really am giving up on my dream to find my soulmate and life time partner, hell even my grandmother said I was better off not getting married. Quite frankly coming from someone that old, I have to wonder. Oh and just in case my grandma is my angel now I went and bought a scratch off, knowing if she could, she would help me win, even a little money to help me get through her passing without worry. I scratch the ticket, then, nothing, No dreams, visions, magic or anything since my grandmother has been gone and I know I was the closest one to her.

WTF is up with that.

I might as well write as if my life did depend on it, because If I wrote the story about my life, I would shock and inspire so many people and then if my ex did kill me, well, what a awesome ending of an already amazingly unique life.

Reflection:

As I was standing in the castle of my escort I came to the realization that, even if I was living in this castle I stand in at this very moment, it does not change who I am or how I feel at this very moment.

 I could become cynical and resigned, and sometimes, I do feel like giving up. It is just not in my nature to be like everyone else, I choose the unbelievable, why? Because it is in my nature and I am still writing my book. ~ aka AliceXandria

I found Mr. Right he is called Mr. Never Give up

Emergency Contact person

Every time I fill out those sheets at the doctors office, you know, the ones that say Emergency contact person. I  never have anyone to put down and it reminds me how alone I really am. I just want someone to play with for the rest of our lives. Someone that loves the way I dream and wants to create with me. Click below to see and feel what I mean. When you get to the Michael Stipe the REM singer, that's it, it is my heart, I love the way you dream.

I love the way you dream

New Years Eve Party - Time to evolve ourselves in 2012

The most memorable moments of my night:

I was saying hello to an acquaintance that I have run into through out the last few years, when all of a sudden someone that knew him came up to give him a hug. He somewhat hesitated trying to be mindful that I was standing there. They both received a not from you and they included me in their embraced. One told the other how much he meant to him. It was so authentic and from the heart that I was in ahh of how authentic friendship looked like. I appreciated being able to be part of that amazing moment. My words can not come close to what the experience was. It is really the way I have imagined that life and people should be and are so afraid to.

Those small moments with Grandma

Tonight I was bringing my grandmother to the bathroom as usual. She has the habit of continually leaning forward, with head down. It makes it easier on my back when she stands up straight. If she is not leaning over then I don't have to lean over farther. So I am always asking her to stand up straight, keep her head up, etc.
So tonight she is leaning over and I am about to perform some Perry care, I ask my grandmother, "Grandma can you stand up straight, keep your head up, smile, and cheese." At that moment I have no idea why the word cheese slipped out. As I am just in view to do the Perry thing, grandma says, "Cheese."

Buddist Temple

Yesterday I was driving down a road I have driven on for 14 years. Every time I saw this temple and often wondered what exactly it was.

Well there was a man setting up the sign out front and the gate was opened. I finally decided, it has been many years and the time to stop is now. I had three stops to make and an appointment for an ultra sound at 3pm. It was 2pm. I decided I would get to my appointment on time and that I would stop anyway.

So I told the man I finally decided to stop and explained that I have attained oneness (with how) and I understand being content is important, however, I was bored and wondered what was next.

He said, " I do not need to tell everyone of my experience of oneness. He stated it does not help them and it does not benefit me."
I understood that and I agree with what he says. However, I may choose not to follow his advice because of this.

I have followed someone's advice because they were older I thought wiser and had more money (better life position) I asked that person what I should do when I grew up, I explained that I wanted to be a writer. Her reply was that I would starve to death and I need to make more money. Now that I am older, I realized at 18 I could have starved and made an attempt to follow my dream and at least I would have dreamed rather then have given up on believing. My thoughts now are I should have asked myself the question rather then someone I thought was better then myself.

So now back to Minh's statement, many young people tell me they learn more in one night of conversation with me then they have for years, also my friend a professor in Canada wrote a book called "The poetics of Fear" he acknowledged me for life changing conversations in that book. My conversations with the professor, I have no doubt, have been an influence on his class and provoking thought among his students. I think No I will trust my own heart for there are many stories written of great teachers experiences so that we may experience our selves. I believe right now that is the point of all of the experiences and possibilities through out time just so we can experience ourselves and understand the contrast of separateness and oneness. Much depends on intention behind sharing. So I share my private thoughts with you, It does not benefit anyone or it might. Minh also stated that my experience is described in Buddhism and that I should continue to learn more about it.

Today I went back to a ceremony, as I listened to the monks singing, I was amazingly present to how the singing the mantra's for so long pulls them to immediate focus and present quickly, through repetition. I feel the understanding of it. 


Minh and talked again, he brought up attachment and went further to explain it was the cause of our suffering, I explained, I am not attached to anything because I have nothing to be attached to.
He went further in saying, letting go of attachments are not letting go of things, it is the letting go of  ideals or thoughts and expectations. I replied, "Yes, all my life I have only wanted family and love, something so easy, yet not to ever attain it. Now I see," I continued, " that it is my concept or ideal of what I make family and love mean."  Minh replies, "It is trying to control the environment around us, that, is letting go."

Animal Crackers and Bounty Hunters Part 1

I was told that people actually want to know what I do everyday. Well, I must warn you, there is no one like me, however, my enlightened self says you are a clever disguise of me. However, really I am a clever disguise of you. I have done things that will make your jaws drop open and your eyes get big and some things that might eventually be shared that will make you weep and think I am a miracle. We are all that.

I get notes from the Universe every day of the work week from Tut.com I mention this because the messages that come from the universe are always exactly what I need to hear. The self awareness of what I speak of will be shared with you. You might hear the whispers of the Youniverse talking to you, do you hear it? It is whispering.....remember..............You have been whispering to yourself all of your life.


So in an ordinary life I went to Costco with a list. Creamer, milk and cat food. I tried to stick to the list and then I saw it. A giant bag of Animal Crackers. There I go again, I didn't stick with the list. How could I pass them up when I have not tasted them for years.

A few days later, In my ordinary non-ordinary life I received this not from the Universe.

Tut....A note from the Universe

There is perhaps no more empowering belief, AliceXandria, than understanding you're always in control of how you feel.

Similarly, understanding that just because you're not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.

You rock,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ® © www.tut.com ®

Because, AliceXandria, nothing has ever, ever, ever been wrong with you. Lots of grown-ups still like animal crackers.

At the mall on New Years Eve

On December 31 I had no clue what I was going to wear for New years Eve. I went to the mall to fix my hair.  I looked around for an outfit and thought, everything in the stores looked like it was for a rave party. I was wondering, what happened? Who is creating this? Well we are creating the fashion if thats what were buying. Or is it the corporations creating what we like to buy. All of the intricate details and t-shirts with Labrynths, skate wear like at Zumies, Imaginary Foundation Unfolding Graphic Tee Shirt. It is all strange as this t-shirt and others appeal to my enlightened mind, which confuses me more. Do these rich corporate people go to these rave parties or thought provoking social gatherings and figure out what is popular? Are the corporate owners Ravers? Or are the ravers, hippies that have really created these styles of animal hats and scarves originally created at home and off the market, well are these same self creative home sewing people making it big selling and mass producing all their stuff. Or are the corporations stealing and copying these ideas from Burning Man as I can see many styles at Burning Man that never existed and then after Burning Man it is produced and listed. All of these self expressing, thought provoking clothing and styles and yet there is Occupy Wall Street while the malls are filled with self expressing tees wanting to be free giving the money to an entity from a  serendipity kid. It is all just strange and I can not see spending $40 on a t-shirt. Oh wait or should I just buy it spend my money and pretend that I have enough to buy it all and just trust and live as if I have enough money to buy all of these self expressive thought provoking clothes. Then I wonder why I don't have enough money. I was told if I believed and just did it everything in the secret everything will be alright. Oh wait, everything is alright, except that I don't have enough to pay other things now. I left the mall without buying anything. I found I had everything I needed at home in a couple of hours. I mixed matched and it looked as if I had thought about it.

Talk about a rambling mind while shopping, which leads me to these closing statements. I have learned to create  with my thoughts, in fact sometimes I speak and it appears within minutes. Other things, well, I just have not been able to figure out how to create it. I am betting that I am not alone and many of us can create and get what we want except for those few little things. Love and money. The movie "The Secret" is nothing new, this information has been around for decades and has been explained and written about. The movie "The Secret" simply repackaged what already existed and made it sexier. There is so much more to it and as I am learning and moving through it I would like to share that process of figuring out how to do it. As I go through the process so will you, like the Never Ending Story we both create the story. They left out some things, you must get to know yourself and take inventory.